This personal blog is hardly personal.
This feeling I struggle with every single day…
I have this silly fear of putting anything out there. For just about anyone to look at and form positive or negative opinions and assume things about me… about my life or my relationships or anything.
Even positive reinforcement scares me (like looking at number of followers, fuck man I wish I just didn’t know sometimes)! My gut says it’s just a fluke… people will soon realize I’m faking my way through it all, don’t belong… and it’s such a stupid thing to do to myself. I mean, sometimes I sit here and think… EVERYONE out there is more authentic than me, everyone is living these lives, even if they think they are perfectly mediocre I feel like they’re doing it better than me, and I’m just so utterly boring and ordinary. You are all so good at something! Even if it’s just being open and unapologetic about being yourself.
I’m just good at breathing and getting through the day. Smiling though the confusion and inner turmoil of being a 23 year old woman. Nights like this the feeling can just crush me. But sometimes I wake up in the morning feeling certain that I have something worthwhile to contribute to the conversation. That confidence IS inside of me, I just need to find where and why it’s hiding, especially at a time when I know that confidence and guts are CRUCIAL to making my future what I want it to be. You see, this nagging feeling is so much more than me being insecure about what I post in my stupid blog.
I have no idea what has happened to me between college and now. Some sort of identity crisis.
Oh BLOG do you understand?
So we don’t really know each other which might make my responding to this blog a little weird..however….I had to because I understand this feeling all too well. I’ve been talking to a lot of people about this and it seems to be very common. For years we identify “what we’re good at” with whatever we did in school. Once school is over it’s like..”well who the heck am I now?” It’s like we have to fight much harder to understand anything about ourselves. Interestingly, now is the time when we have the best opportunity to actually identify ourselves with who and what we really are. When all the masks of school clubs and and GPAs had to be dropped….I started finding that I was drawn to things simply because they spoke to what my core was trying to say. It’s not necessarily something to be bummed about but more so a chance to finally create what we’ve always wanted to become.
God..where did I get so inspirational? Adulthood is making me really weird.
